Thoughts about creativity, computers and life

(11/03/2024)

I'm writing this to become less afraid of writing. I'm constantly overthinking and my brain is filled with noise, but none of it really ever gets processed in a way that makes me feel very good, or feel like I have a direction, something to work towards and create. I feel like I don't have control of it, or the ability to sharpen and hone my thoughts into meaningful action.

I have become a vacuum of ideas, resources and information, with no idea how to sit down, focus and use any of it for something that actually makes me happy. I feel lost in the endless consumption of data on the internet, bookmarking a thousand things to read, watch or listen to later. I download anything I find that seems useful, interesting or fun to deal with later, when I have time to engage with it.

At some point, the black hole of consumption and dependency on computer technologies just became a ritual and I'm losing my ability to engage with the machine with a task in mind. I find it very difficult to call something like that a tool. Writing this down is a way to recenter myself, slow down and think about what the point of this all even should be. Surfing the web can be fun! But the internet is kind of also the Library of Babel and I want to be mindful about ways I can stop myself getting too close to the infinite garbage vortex.
I want to find a path forward where I can use technology and my knowledge of it to enrich my life, rather than hold me back from creating meaningful experiences for myself and others. I put this on the internet, to reach out and express something within myself that I have constantly ignored, preferring the comfort of endless consumption and convenience.